"I'm Allergic"

It's Oasis. It's the annual cultural fest of the BITS-Pilani, Pilani Campus(I generally despise calling it Pilani Pilani, but I have no other choice). What this event is really famous for is the myriad of talented guys and gals (please note that I refrain from using the term " insanely hot chicks" here) from different colleges across the country it attracts who participate in a bunch of boring stuff, starting from debates to plays to music. But I'm not going to talk about that. Those stories have had enough publicity, what with having big names like MTV, Airtel and Red Bull sponsor their events. What goes amiss in these big shows is the story of ordinary people in hilariously fucked up situations. I came to know of such a situation when I was catching up with some chums from the Indian subcontinent. For those of you un-BitsGians, I'd like to tell you about a certain character that meanders the corridors of our campus, in particular, AH8-previously BH7(Boys' Hostel 7, for the intellectually incapacitated readers of this blog), and his name is D*. I must describe him to you, for his character is pivotal in this less known story in Oasis.For the awe-inspiring awesome BitsGian readers of mine that are well-acquainted with D, please pardon me and divert your attention for a while I describe the joy that is our very own D. Walk your dog, hump the grass, do your laundry or something- whatever you do in your free time. Anyways, it was not after much deliberation that my friend was christened D, but after a remarkably awesome first conversation I had with him. As I've said about him to many, one mustn't judge him from first impressions- because if you do, you'll be left alone in the middle of the fucking desert trying to castrate yourself to death. While this guy makes a first impression envied by most how-to-be-successful-in-interviews-authors, his ensuing impressions will knock your balls clean off. I have since learned never to take him seriously. But he's a good friend to have around, which is hard to come by, and so he's not going to punch me in the face for writing about him in such a stupendously degrading fashion.
Now that I've spoken sufficiently about the foibles of D, I shall delve into our little story. So here I was busy pretending to read in my room and the gtalk thingy starts to dance in orange and blue lights on my task bar(Yeah, I still have XP, cuz VISTA FUCKING SUCKS). There was an incoming chat from D. I can only paraphrase at this juncture, and so I hope memory serves me well. The exchange ran somewhat like this after pleasantries had been made.

D Dude, you wanna hear something funny?
ME: Always.
D: You know I went to Oasis, right?
ME: Oh? No, I didn't know Pilani was so stupid that they actually called you there. What did you go there for?
D: Debating, ob.

*Let me just jump in, again, for the sake of the un-BitsGians, and say we at BitsG have our own lingo like every other university and we use that lingo proudly in our conversations. We're apparently too lazy to say the word obviously fully. Plus we think it's cool and everything.*

ME: Nice, dude...win anything??
D: Obbb, man. First place \m/
ME : Congrats dude, first worthy achievement since day 1 of college.
D: Fuck you. But that's not the news. It's this incident I had while I was in Pilani.
ME: Incident?
D: I almost did it.
ME: It? YOU did It?? And wait a minute…how do you almost do it??
D: Yeah…oh, but before I forget dude, there was this totally awesome cold war on the train on the way to Pilani, and it was over some really ugly chick rofl..It was M and P, and they were……..

At this point my brain had successfully blocked out his funny train story and started concentrating on his earlier statement. Oh my God, D’s done it. D’s done it. Of all the people, I had never pictured in a million years…and then the images started flooding..oh lord, the images. Some continue to wake me up in cold sweats.

….after that M and P didn’t speak to each other the whole trip including the way back hahahahaha…

ME: Yeah yeah hilarious man…so you were saying before the train story?
D: Oh yeah, there was this chick that I was hanging out with, in Pilani. The night before I leave for Goa after the last day of Oasis, she gets completely stoned, and totally starts hitting on me and shit.
ME: go on…(I am presently awestruck at the fact that a) Indian chicks do weed and b) he was the lucky bastard that was around when it happened)
D: Then she asks me if , well, I wanted to do it.
ME: Holy shit! What did you say?
D: What the fuck could I say?? What do you say in a situation like that? I keep quiet. And then, get this, she rifles through her carry bag and goes, “do you like flavored condoms??”
ME: Damn. Damn. Did you atleast open your mouth now?
D: I wish I hadn’t.
ME: What do you mean? What the hell did you say?
D: I said, “I’m allergic to flavored condoms”. And then I took off. :(
ME: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU SAID WHAT?
D: Stfu dude what the hell was I supposed to say man?
ME: Oh dude, hahahahahahaha, anything but that, man….

And that was how the general tone of the conversation went from thereon. Me mocking the crap out of poor D and practically splitting my sides laughing all over the plushly carpeted bedroom floor. The incident still brings a happy smile to my face. I hope it will to yours too.

-Cheers.

PS: I have written the above post with oral consent of said D.
*This is a rather weak attempt at protecting my friend's identity. I am not liable to prosecution should this story offend him rather badly.